How to Avoid Family Holiday Tension

While most people don’t go into the holidays with the intention of creating family drama, family dynamics are often fraught with peril. Old wounds quickly surface and family traditions are replaced with family strife. Old habits die hard and the same hot topics will no doubt rear their heads unless cut off at the pass. To alleviate the potential for an unpleasant day, the host may want to consider putting an action plan in place.

Don’t Expect Miracles

The chance that Grandma Betty will be on her best behavior and not make a political slur is slim to none, even on Thanksgiving. Before the conversation starts heading in the direction of no return, be prepared to divert Grandma B by asking her to help serve the coffee or share her famous holiday highball recipe. Enlist the assistance of your siblings, close family or friends to help keep her on the right track. She will revel in the attention and may not even be aware of the tactical save. Having a few discreet helpers will also ensure your dinner conversation will be cloaked in kindness, even if you must leave the table temporarily.

Place Value on Time-Tested Traditions

Ask any adult and they will be able to tell you about a favorite holiday memory from their childhood. Take turns going around the table and reminiscing. It may also be a memory from another family member they always admired. This activity is a great way to encourage conversation and keep the mood light and upbeat.

Hand Out Calendars and Mark Some Dates

Experiences don’t “just happen”. It takes thought and planning to start a family practice that people will look forward to year after year. Thanksgiving is the perfect time to talk about cherished memories from the past and obtain a consensus of what everyone would like to do moving forward. Ask people for suggestions and write them down. If most of your family is local, give them an inexpensive calendar and a colorful felt tip marker.  Much like an advent calendar, write down dates and activities you would like to enjoy as the countdown to Christmas or Hanukkah begins. It doesn’t have to be elaborate.

Meeting at a local coffee shop for a peppermint mocha, caroling around the neighborhood, a potluck supper to plan the next holiday menu, volunteering at a shelter, watching a holiday movie, making a batch of cookies to share with neighbors, creating a holiday playlist together, making a holiday ornament … the list is endless. Before long, the calendar will be filled with family time, holiday cheer and special memories. Some will stick while others may not, but it can act as a good guide to see those things family enjoys doing together.

Power Off

Very few people will have an urgent need to take a phone call or answer a text during quality family time – either at the table or when visiting with family members. When possible, put your cell phone away and spend time with people who have come together to share the day. If someone is texting next to you, don’t allow it to be your excuse to do the same. Your host has gone through a great deal of trouble to plan the day and the right thing to do is show your respect and appreciation.

Don’t Take the Carrot

It’s easy to be led to behave in a particular way when your older sibling or distant cousin starts reverting to their childish ways of the past. People often carry their broken childhood relationships into adult life. Do your best to remain neutral, avoiding the temptation to join in. “I’ve outgrown our battle,” is a nice reply to a brother who wants to taunt you about a previous incident.

No Invasive Questions

Make it a point to find out how things have been going for those you haven’t seen in a while. Instead of talking about yourself, ask open-ended questions about the other person. However, don’t pry. Avoid  asking rude questions such as “When are you getting married?”, “Do you plan to have kids?”, or “What will you do when you graduate?”

Stick to questions like, “What is your favorite holiday movie? And, why?”, “What’s the best advice anyone ever gave you?”, “Who would you want to eat Thanksgiving dinner with if you could choose anyone in the world?” or “What is the best book you have ever read and how did it impact you?” The point is to get people thinking and talking, without putting anyone on guard.

Do Chores Later

Sit around the living room, or dinner table and use the opportunity to soak in the moments. Fluffing up pillows, emptying the trash and vacuuming the crumbs off the floor can wait until your guests have gone home. Guests may offer to pitch in if there is something that needs immediate attention, but loading the dishwasher and washing the towels can be put off until your family is asleep or out the door. We have so few opportunities to spend time with the people we love. Don’t look back and wish you had a few more minutes to spend time with those you love.

Get Moving

If sitting around the living room seems a bit stiff, get your group together and take a walk around the neighborhood. You may also consider playing a rousing game of touch football or a hike in the park. Your body will thank you for the exercise and you will not feel as guilty indulging in the second piece of pumpkin pie.

At the End the Day, It’s About Friends and Family

Close the day with a thoughtful gesture. Write a personal note to each of your guests and hand it to them as they walk out the door. Add a treat or send them home with a to-go box of goodies. These are great ways to leave everyone with a memory of the day they will cherish.

 

You may also like How to Carve a Holiday Turkey. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips read her posts on Inc., subscribe to her articles on Huff Post, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow her on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter. Buy her new book, Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.

Sincerely,