How to Set Up Healthy Boundaries

Maintaining healthy boundaries with those around us isn’t always black and white. A few things that may signal you are in the gray area and would benefit from a boundary check include:

• A sense of overwhelm about commitments you’d prefer not to uphold
• Fielding intrusive questions and responding to insensitive comments from those who have no business weighing in
• Fear of hurting someone else’s feelings at the expense of your own
• Making excuses for others who overstep intentionally or unintentionally
• Feeling victimized or wishing you stood up for yourself
• Being emotionally drained after making concessions or overextending yourself

Setting personal boundaries and keeping them in place will help you feel more grounded and in control of your destiny. Though it requires having sometimes uncomfortable conversations, doing so means others know exactly where you stand. On the other side is more freedom and authenticity.

If you are new to the boundaries conversation or could use a quick refresher, here are a few tips.

Listen to Your Inner Voice

When someone makes a request or asks for something out of your comfort level, you will immediately feel a gut instinct. Allow that instinct to guide you when it comes to taking the next step. It’s not necessary to agree to every request. You might say something like, “While I respect your efforts to support the local library, I’m going to have to decline. I am already on several committees that take up a great deal of my time, and I couldn’t give your cause the attention it deserves.”

Don’t Slide Down that Rabbit Hole

You are responsible for your role in the direction of a conversation. If someone wants to share information that is not theirs to discuss, let them immediately know you don’t want to be part of the gossip. For example, respond with “ I want to change the topic. I’m uncomfortable discussing Janine’s situation, and I feel certain she wouldn’t appreciate us talking about her behind her back. I’m sure she has a reason for her decision, and it’s none of our business.” Your actions just demonstrated personal integrity and respect for others, plus, you set the bar for what you will tolerate.

Own Your Schedule

A busy calendar is one reason to decline a request but so is setting aside some downtime. The best ideas often come to us during rest. Surround yourself with people, places and situations that lift you up and bring you joy. Spend time doing things and working with people that encourage a healthy lifestyle. Mark your calendar with activities that keep you healthy and happy. When asked to participate in something that isn’t a good fit, you can honestly say your “calendar is full” even if it means staying at home and watching a good movie.

Make it Abundantly Clear

If you have a friend who continues to treat you with disrespect, either by canceling plans for a better offer, gossiping about you or other friends, or only calling when they need something, it is ultimately on you. Letting them know what you will and will not tolerate is the key to a better understanding.

Feel Good About Your Decision

When you don’t put parameters on your life, it’s much like living in a busy neighborhood without a front door or fence. You start to breed resentment and lose yourself in other people’s lives. Exercising your right to protect your energy, time and well-being is a benefit to setting good boundaries. When you feel in control, you can be your best self, supportive and encouraging on your terms.

You may also like Finding Personal Time in a Busy Professional World. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow Diane on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter. Buy her new book, Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.