Apology Etiquette: The Art of the Pardon

Subtle differences in language and important choices in delivery play a big role in how your apology is received. Although “I’m sorry,” “Please forgive me,” or “Excuse me” are often interchangeable, they send different messages. Keep reading to learn more about the meaning of each phrase, and remember that sincerity and changed behavior are crucial to getting back on track.

“I’m sorry” acknowledges an inconvenience or admits a wrongdoing or mistake. It’s also what you say when you express sympathy or temporarily inconvenience someone. “I’m sorry” may also be appropriate when asking someone to repeat the information they just shared. If you need to correct yourself in conversation, it can also be used.

• I am sorry to hear about the loss of your pet.
• I am sorry I spilled your coffee.
• I am sorry I lost the gift certificate you gave me for my birthday.
• I am sorry, could you repeat that?
• The number is 2-1-0, I am sorry, 2-1-2.

“I apologize” acknowledges an emotion or hurt feelings. This response requires more thought than an apology for disturbing someone, such as accidentally bumping into them, or interrupting a conversation. In other words, more steps need to be taken when offering a formal admission of wrongdoing.

• I apologize for not returning your call.
• I apologize for hurting your feelings.
• I apologize for losing my temper.

“Excuse me” is a polite remark made when you are feeling awkward in a social situation, or trying to get someone’s attention. For example, when you have a sneezing episode in public, you interrupt a conversation with a cough during a meeting or are attempting to get someone’s attention.

• Excuse me, may I join your conversation?
• Excuse me (while stepping across you at a basketball game or theater).
• Excuse me (for a sneeze, cough or interruption).

Steps to an Authentic Apology

1. Say it and mean it.

Sincerity is the key component of remorse. A willingness to see things from another person’s point of view may bring you closer to understanding their reaction as you seek to mend fences.

2. Request forgiveness for the wrongdoing or misunderstanding.

Be specific with your apology, naming the behavior and owning the responsibility.

3. Provide the other person with an opportunity to share their feelings.

Stay calm and exercise understanding. After you have expressed your sentiments, give them the floor. They may be ready to accept your apology graciously, or they may need more time to talk through things and process.

4. An apology is not a debate.

Avoid making excuses for your behavior. Doing so takes away from your intention of moving forward in a positive manner.

5. Offer how your behavior will change in the future.

Think through this step, describing something concrete and sincere. Both parties should be able to see (and measure) improved behavior.

6. Follow through with your commitment.

Words without actions are worthless. Be realistic when making promises and keep your word.

7. Be consistent.

If the apology is not well received at first, continue to show your regret through steady, reliable behavior. Often the other party will be more receptive when they see that you are doing your part to make progress.

For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, read her posts on Inc., subscribe to her articles on Huff Post, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow her on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter. Buy her new book, Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.