The holiday hustle and bustle is in full swing and we all are finding ourselves going from one event to the next. Often hosting our own family gathering. I have collected a few holiday etiquette questions I have received and I have answered them below.
Pack and Carry
I am hosting a holiday potluck dinner. Everyone is bringing something to share. In the past, I find myself confused when it is time to pack everything up.
My question is: Do I keep the food that is leftover or do I give it back to each individual who brought a particular dish? I don’t want to appear greedy but simply don’t have room in my small fridge.
Answer: Plan for this situation before the party gets started. Buy some paper “to go” boxes at the grocers and when it’s time for everyone to go home, offer to fill them with a variety of leftover foods. If a guest brought a dish or pan from home, make sure to send it home with them so you don’t have to worry about getting it back at a later date. Often, the pan gets mix in with your own and they never see it again. You wonder how you accumulated so much plastic and glass!
Q: My college-age son recently broke up with his girlfriend of three years. They dated through high school and broke up in the fall. He is coming home from college and bringing a new girlfriend for the holidays. Unfortunately, I have already invited his old girlfriend and her family to Christmas Eve. My son insists I uninvite them. I don’t think it would be right. What is the polite thing to do?
Answer: A candid discussion with the former girlfriend and her family is certainly in order. You can explain the delicate situation and be honest about your son feeling uncomfortable with two worlds colliding. Ask the former girlfriend and her family if you could take a raincheck or celebrate on a different night. I am fairly certain the ex/family will politely bow out before you make any alternate suggestions. While I am not generally an advocate of uninviting a guest once the invitation has been extended, this is a prickly conundrum and you have to be both kind and careful to take everyone’s feelings into consideration. Good luck with this one!
Q: My son in law is a vegetarian. My daughter recently has handed me a list of specific recipes she would like for me to prepare for the upcoming holiday meal. The rest of us are tried-and-true carnivores and nothing on her list sounds appealing to the rest of us. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I also don’t have time to make six additional food items to pacify her husband. My husband says I should go with the flow because we don’t want to start a family conflict.
Answer: As far as I’m concerned, the family conflict started when your daughter handed you a list of husband approved food items to prepare and serve. I would strongly suggest having a mother to daughter conversation with your sweet girl and agree to make a few dishes but also recommend she bring a few more to bring for the family to share. You can tell her the truth if you work, “Kara, I’m happy to make X and X, but I am going to need some help with X, X and X. I still have an entire menu to cook for the rest of the family and I am not sure I can get to all six of your requests.” If you have an unlimited budget, find a restaurant that caters to their preferences and have some of the food premade. In addition, keep an open mind to the new recipes you are about to make. You might be surprised at how delicious some of them really are and will want to incorporate them into your annual tradition.
Q: As a mother, my love language is baking for my family. Nothing is better than walking through the door of my home and smelling cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, and an assortment of other warm scents filling the house. Especially around the holidays, I look forward to making trays of gingerbread, fudge, sugar cookies and much more. My kids used to beg for all of the sweet treats. Now they ask me to skip the goodies because they are all on sugar, carb and fat-free regimen. Would it be rude to make some sweets for the dessert table anyways? Or, would I be showing disrespect for other people’s food choices? Either way, someone will be unhappy!
Answer: I understand your love for baking around the holidays. I too love the smell of spices when you walk through the door. It sounds like your love for the sweets has something to do with the smell of the treats. What if you treated yourself to some warm and inviting candles and lit them during the day to remind you of what you love. Make a batch of cookies (not an entire bakery case!) and place them on a small tray along with a fruit salad, nut and cheese tray or whatever your kids enjoy eating. Don’t be a food pusher but you are welcome to make something that brings you joy – for yourself – which is perfectly okay.
Q: One of my good friends recently asked to borrow a special cocktail dress I have in my closet. Out of guilt, I said yes and now I am regretting it. I don’t want her to wear it because if it gets ruined, I can never replace it. Can I change my mind or do I need to stick to my original decision? I know this will be a problem and I’m dreading the conversation once she finds out I am having second thoughts.
Answer: There is nothing wrong with having a talk with your friend and telling her the truth. “Sara, I know I said you could borrow my green sequin dress for the Christmas party, but I can’t seem to part with loaning it to you. I am sorry I said yes before thinking it through. Can I offer you another option?” If she says, no, then say, “I’m sorry. I should have thought it through before saying yes.” You don’t owe her any more of an explanation than the truth and if you tell her in time, you don’t have to feel bad about leaving her in a tight spot to locate another dress. I am not an advocate for borrowing or lending each other clothes. Too many things can go wrong and one of them is ruining your green sequin dress!
Q: My best friend is a wonderful gift giver and an awful gift receiver. No matter what I give her, she makes a terrible face and tells me I should not have bought her anything. She has even gone as far as refusing to accept the gift because she did not “need it.” My feelings are always hurt when the gift exchange should be a joyous occasion. I’m gearing up for the upcoming “Christmas beat down!” Any advice?
Answer: Yes. Don’t exchange gifts! If your friend truly doesn’t want to accept gifts, you are probably putting her in an uncomfortable position. But, if she has no problem giving gifts, she is also setting a double standard. Perhaps you have a talk with her and decide how to handle gifts moving forward. “Shari, we have a gift-giving struggle every season and I want to avoid the uncomfortable exchange this year. What can we do together that might be a gift we give each other that doesn’t involve what you call a “beat down”? Let her tell you how she would like to proceed and then take her message to heart. It has to work both ways, however. She can’t give you a gift and expect you to stand there empty-handed. This is something that can be worked out by communication.
You may also like this article from Well+Good, Keep, Regift, or Return? For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, read her posts on Inc., subscribe to her articles on Huff Post, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow her on Pinterest, Instagram and Tw
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