Holiday Parties: RSVP Etiquette Q&A

It’s that time again—the invites are on their way for birthdays, weddings and holiday celebrations. As things continue to open up, everyone still has a different comfort level. The decision to attend an outdoor gathering may come easier than agreeing to sit shoulder to shoulder while decorating cookies. You may be wondering if the protocol for sending your response has changed given the state of the world. Here are some RSVP etiquette questions we have received as the countdown to the holidays officially begins.

RSVP Etiquette Q&A

Q: How long do I have to respond to an invitation? I have already received an invite to a holiday event, and I’m not sure I will be comfortable attending.

A: Standard protocol is you have 24 to 48 hours to respond to an invitation. If it is for something like a destination wedding or event that will require more thought and financial commitment, you certainly have longer, but let the person know you are taking factors into consideration before you can commit.

If you are nervous about how you will feel in a few months, it would be better to be honest and let the host know your concerns. Especially if it’s for a family event, you can speak kindly and candidly. They should be understanding of your concerns.

Q: I RSVP’d to a wedding, and a bunch of our friends (including me) left a deposit on a B&B for a weekend bachelorette party. I have decided I’m not going to attend, and I would like to ask for my deposit back on the B&B. Should I call the inn or ask my friends?

A: This one is sticky. Depending on why you have changed your mind, you left a deposit and committed to sharing a two-night stay with a group of friends. You may want to consider cutting your loss and letting your friends keep your deposit. Think of the relationship you will have with each of your friends, including the bride, down the road. If you leave them in a financial bind, it may be difficult to recover. You also have the option of calling the innkeeper if you left the deposit directly with them but they have cancellation policies and depending on the timeframe you may not get your money back. You may also damage your friendship with those who were relying on your contribution.

Q: I am throwing a bridal shower for my cousin, and she gave me a list of 18 guests. She just informed me she has invited five people from her office now that they are back at work, along with a couple of others she had initially forgotten to list. I don’t have the money or the space to host this many more people. Do I tell her the truth or go into debt to avoid a family feud? I have already ordered the cupcakes (which were pricey) along with bottles of champagne, but now I will have to go out and order more. What to do?

A: I understand your concern and recommend you have a conversation with your cousin. Be transparent in sharing that you simply cannot afford the additional expense at this time and are worried about how you will accommodate the growing guest list. Ideally, she will work with you to make things right—possibly by assisting with costs and brainstorming how to accommodate the new number of guests.

Q: If I have RSVP’d to a party, and due to recent circumstances, I have changed my mind. How long do I have to tell the host before I look rude? Should I still send a gift?

A: I would recommend reaching out with a kind and sincere explanation (and soon). You may not be the only guest with concerns, and your host needs an accurate headcount. Your change of heart is understandable; I would send a gift in advance with a handwritten card.

Q: I have been invited to a retirement party, and the invitation says “no gifts please.” This is always confusing because people show up with gifts anyway, and then I end up looking cheap. What is the right thing to do? And, as the honoree, should that person open the gifts they receive in front of the rest of the guests?

A: This is an RSVP etiquette question we hear often. As a guest, you want to honor your host’s wishes, which in this case, means forgoing a gift. If you are feeling unsure about where they truly stand on the subject, there may be an opportunity to bring it up well beforehand. For example, “I noticed the invitation said ‘no gifts please,’ but I can’t help but want to do something in your honor. Is there a charity you support where I can make a small donation to mark the occasion?” Regarding the opening of gifts, it’s up to the guest of honor.

Watch my RSVP Etiquette segment from Good Day Austin

For more information, check out The Protocol School of Texas. You may also like Holiday Party Conversation: From Awkward to Awesome. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, read her posts on Inc., subscribe to her articles on The Huffington Post, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow her on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter.