Ask the Etiquette Expert: How to Support a Friend Through Loss and Grief

Grief is something each of us will experience at some point in our lives, and once it becomes a part of our reality, we are forever changed. In those first few days, weeks, and even months after a loss, a present and loving friend, partner, or family member can be our lifeline. Knowing they want to honor our loss and lighten our load, if only for a moment, helps us to find our breath and remind us of our purpose once again. A lifelong friend is suffering through an unimaginable loss as I write this blog. It is my hope that the thoughts shared below will create a ripple effect of hope and encouragement for anyone whose heart’s desire is to support a loved one through a time of great loss. 

Q: How can I be there for a friend during their time of loss? 

A: When a friend or family member experiences a loss, either expected or through a heartbreaking tragedy, etiquette is not about saying the perfect thing; it is about doing the right thing. In short, the objective is to show up. Let them feel your love and support through your presence, words, and simple but meaningful gestures. 

Here are some gentle etiquette suggestions: 

• Your presence is more powerful than your words. A simple, “I’m so sorry,” is what most people need when it comes to feeling comfort during their pain.
• Small gestures can be healing. I recently saw a video where a person handwrote a beautiful card and made a comforting meal. They dropped it on their friend’s porch with a small bouquet of flowers. I am sure their friend felt loved and supported when they opened the door. I’ve been the recipient of similar acts of love and have had the privilege of passing the blessing along. 
• Lead the conversation with compassion. When we hear sad or shocking news, it’s important to keep our composure and pause. When we open our mouths, it should be with love and kindness. In my experience, what people say in response to the news reveals who they are. Take mental note. Will you trust this person with sensitive news of your own one day?
• Something that should be unspoken, but it can’t hurt to emphasize, is to honor their privacy and refrain from judgment. Withhold sensitive details from others that are not yours to share, and always remember that forming judgments without knowledge is improper and impolite. 
• Follow up. When everything seems to be back to normal, remember that your friend or family member is still grieving. Keep in touch and let them know they are not alone. 
• Make a note of especially difficult days. For the friend who has lost a child, mark down the child’s birthday and the day of the untimely tragedy in your calendar. As the date approaches each year, you’ll have a prompt to remind you of the loss, so you have time to honor their memory. 
• One final note: people remember who shows up, and who doesn’t. Weddings and funerals are the two events that will be remembered and noted. How you handle the situation will impact your relationship with your friend or family member for the rest of their lives. There will be an unspoken understanding of loyalty that will be either strengthened or permanently harmed.

If you are reading this after experiencing great loss, my heart and thoughts are with you. And for those supporting a friend or loved one during such a time, thank you for the love and care you put out into the world. 

You may also like Being There: Gentle Ways to Help Through Grief or Crisis. 

For more information about working with Diane, America’s “Go To” social and professional etiquette authority, please visit The Protocol School of Texas. 

See what Diane is up to by following her on Instagram and Facebook and find etiquette inspiration on her Pinterest account. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, refer to her posts on Inc. and HuffPost.