6 Elements of a Heartfelt Apology

As the saying goes, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” But the bridge between mistakes and forgiveness is a sincere, heartfelt apology.

Knowing how to apologize is one of the secrets of successfully navigating life. Everyone makes mistakes; owning up to them and expressing remorse are the only way to move forward and keep relationships strong.

Effective apologies are one of the tools everyone needs in their toolbox. Many people have difficulty admitting they did something wrong, whether intentionally or accidentally. Don’t let shame, embarrassment or arrogance keep you from mending fences.

Delivering an effective apology isn’t always easy, but it’s essential to maintain healthy personal and professional connections. A sincere apology shows you care about the other person, that your behavior did not live up to your own standards, and it helps rebuild trust. A heartfelt “sorry” clears the path for open communication with the person you wronged.  Showing your courage to accept responsibility for your actions also helps restore your reputation after a mistake.

Whether in a personal situation or professional setting, an apology has a better chance of being well received if it has a few key elements:

Prompt Delivery

A text or a post on social media is not the same as a heartfelt talk where the other person can hear your voice and see your facial expressions. It lets them know that correcting the situation is important enough that you took the time to apologize in a straightforward, personal way. Do it quickly and when possible, in person.

Sincere Words

This is non-negotiable; you must mean it. If you’re going through the motions and not truly remorseful, it will be apparent. Genuine regret shows humility. Address the specific action – “I’m sorry I lost my temper,” – and how you feel about your mistake: “I feel awful about the way I acted.”

Own the Damage

Show you understand that your actions created difficulty or offended others. Empathize with the person who was affected by your mistake. Never downplay the blunder or imply the other person overreacted. Instead, accept the fact that your actions did indeed create bad feelings or hardship: “I’m really sorry I didn’t get the project finished on time. I know it must have put you in a difficult position with your client. I’m truly sorry for taking so long without keeping you posted on the delay.”

Choose the Right Words

There are a few phrases that will undermine your attempt to say you’re sorry. “But” is one of them. When you say “I’m sorry, but …”, you’re shifting the blame away from yourself and sending it back to the person to whom you’re apologizing. (“I’m sorry, but it made me really mad when you did that.”) Another phrase to avoid is “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” Both of these subtle wordplays deflect responsibility and puts it back on the other person, indicating that they are somehow wrong for their reaction. These are not only ineffective ways to express regret but are also likely to create lingering resentment.

Verbalize Change

Let the other person know how you plan to repair the damage your mistake caused. If you don’t know how to fix it, you can always give yourself time to think (“I’m going to think about how to make this right and get back with you,”) or ask how they would like the situation to be corrected (“What can I do to make this right?”). A word of caution: be sure to follow through with what you say you will do and avoid promising something you can’t deliver.

Give it Time

A solid apology may instantly smooth things over, but if the wound is deep, it may take time for hurt feelings to fade. Even if your apology is not immediately well received, it’s a necessary step to repair the damage. Do your best to express your regret and then give the person an opportunity to process your apology. Just because you don’t receive immediate, positive feedback doesn’t mean your relationship is forever damaged. Consistent behavior from you over time will make a difference and soften the initial blow.

 

You may also like How to Say “I’m Sorry” in 5 Simple Steps. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips read her posts on Inc., subscribe to her articles on Huff Post, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow her on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter. Buy her new book, Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.