Dating Dilemmas Q & A

Today’s romantic relationships have new dynamics thanks in part to a more relaxed mindset around dating etiquette, not to mention throwing social media into the mix. While some of the dating advice our parents gave us still applies, we have more ways to communicate than ever before. I’m answering a few reader questions on dating dilemmas. Here are a few of my thoughts.

Q. If I committed to going on a beach vacation with my girlfriend, but we have since broken up, shouldn’t she be obligated to pay for the non-refundable ticket I purchased?
P.S. She’s now dating someone else.

Answer: It depends. Who broke up with whom? If you both agreed that you would purchase a non-refundable ticket, and you broke up with her, you should take one for the team. If she broke things off, it’s polite to offer to cover the cost that will be lost. Of course, the circumstances of the breakup also play a part in the decision. There are times when you can transfer a ticket to someone else and other times when you can’t. You must weigh the pros and cons and go for the best solution.

Q. I have had several miserable experiences with online dating. I start talking to one person and when meet, their picture is nothing like what they look like in real life. Am I obligated to sit through an entire date with someone I now consider a total stranger? Can I ask if they will cover the cost of their meal?

Answer: Online dating can get expensive under the best of circumstances but when you keep meeting people online that don’t look familiar in person, it can feel like a bait and switch. It may be an innocent oversight (probably not) or an intentional form of deception. Either way, I suggest you meet for coffee instead of dinner the first time so you won’t have to continue to pay the cost of an entire meal. It would still be rude to say, “Now that I’m not interested, your half is $25.” Take the high road but guard your wallet by meeting someplace you can leave quickly and inexpensively if it doesn’t work out.

Q. I have been invited to go to a good friend’s wedding, but my ex-boyfriend will be there with his current flame. I prefer to skip it to avoid any unnecessary confrontation, but I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings either. Should I stay or should I go?

Answer: You should support your friend and attend their wedding. Behave civilly when and if you run into your ex; there is no reason to start a brawl at a wedding or any other public event. It’s not mandatory you engage in a long conversation, but a simple “hello” is in order if you pass them at the buffet table.

Q. I recently broke off my engagement, and we are arguing among friends over whether I should return the ring to my ex-fiancé. I say it’s mine to keep and he says it’s his. His mother gave it to me so I think it should be mine to do with as I please.

Answer: Some fiancé’s want the ring back and others do not. The answer is gray, depending on the circumstances of the break up. If you broke off the engagement, I recommend giving the ring back, especially if it is a family heirloom. If you both purchased it, you can sell it and split the cost. If he called things off, you may decide to keep the ring unless he’s still paying for it or there are emotional ties. In most scenarios, it’s best to cut ties and your losses at the same time. Aim to part ways on the best terms possible.

Q. My wedding day came and went (we broke up the morning before the big day). Now it’s two weeks later, and I have opened and used many of my wedding gifts. My mom says I only have to give back the money and larger, expensive items. My aunt says it all goes back. Who is correct?

Answer: Your aunt. Everything that was given to you must be returned. Or, at least you should attempt to give it back. Some people may say, “Please keep the dish towels” but seldom will they say, “Don’t worry about giving us back the check we sent you.” Write a short note, thanking them for the gesture, and don’t feel the need to explain too much.

Q. My previous girlfriend still has some personal items of mine at her house that I consider valuable. She has never offered to return them, and it’s been over a year. I’m not sure if it’s been too long to ask for them back. I also wonder if it would start an argument with my current girlfriend if I called my ex to ask for my personal items. What’s the best thing to do?

Answer: My first question would be, what do you consider valuable? If it’s costly, you should ask for it. If it’s something you can’t replace, ask for it. If it’s a matter of principle, let it go. There is no reason to stir up the dust on either side over a pair of old socks or a cheap pair of nail scissors.

Q. My boyfriend wants to do the same thing every single weekend – hop on his bike and go from one bar to the other. At some point, I get bored and would prefer to do something different. He enjoys live music, and I prefer going to the movies. To further complicate things, he does not like my taste in movies. What are your thoughts?

Answer: It’s all about compromise. It would get old to do the same thing over and over again unless it’s something you both enjoy. If you want to spend the weekend in the movie theatre and he wants to jump on a bike and ride from one bar to the other, sit down and make a plan. Let him go bar hopping and meet him at a designated spot someplace down the line. Make plans with your friends or do something you enjoy alone. He should do the same for you. If either of you refuses to do what the other likes more often than not, it may be time for a relationship reality check.

Q: The girl I’m seeing continually tries to dress me in a different style of clothes. I prefer my own style but don’t want to hurt her feelings. Should I wear pineapple shorts and a Hawaiian shirt or stick to my guns and continue to wear my black t-shirts and ripped blue jeans?

Answer: I would urge you to look at the meaning behind the gesture. She either is trying to do something nice for you or she thinks your fashion style stinks. It may be as simple as an honest conversation so you both are on the same page. Evaluate the reason she is trying to change your style. If it’s because your clothing is old and worn out, replace a few key pieces. If it’s because she wants you to look like her last boyfriend, there might be a bigger issue to discuss. Her intentions are probably pure so try not to read into it. Be honest but kind. You be you – but maybe a little neater.

Q: My boyfriend can’t stand my friends. How do I tell everyone that they all have to get along with each other?

Answer: My first question is, why can’t he stand your friends? If it’s a jealousy issue and he is possessive, it’s a problem that probably won’t go away. If it is because your friends are disrespectful, dishonest, gossipy or unkind, you may need to consider a new group of friends. But, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so look at your behavior and ask yourself if you are any of these things, as well. Another question to ask is, do you show respect for your date? They may be playing off of your attitude or behavior and your boyfriend senses it. It’s important to have supportive friends and an understanding mate. Together it’s a great combination.

Q. My girlfriend wants to meet my family, but I would prefer to keep them separate because part of my family has some baggage I’m not proud of or prepared to share at this point.

Answer: Be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you are not trying to hide her; you are simply uncomfortable with the family dynamic. At some point, you will have to introduce them if the relationship continues to develop. Before you take the trip, give her some insight so she will better understand your trepidation.

You may also like 5 Ways to Move Forward After Getting Ghosted. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, “like” The Protocol School of Texas on Facebook, and follow Diane on Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter. Buy her new book, Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.