Getting married is one of the most exciting times of a couple’s life, but what happens when the lights go off before the party begins? There are a plethora of uncomfortable questions that come up when the bride and groom decide to cancel their wedding. Minimizing the angst and confusion, while knowing what to expect makes the stressful process a bit more bearable. Here are a few commonly asked questions about the etiquette of canceling a wedding if you find yourself supporting a friend during this difficult scenario.
Q. My fiancé and I were planning a December wedding and mutually decided to call the wedding off. We have already had a wedding shower and have already used, and spent, many of the gifts we have received for the shower and our wedding. What do we do now?
A. When a wedding is canceled, the gifts you have received for the shower, or showers, engagement and wedding, should all be returned. Best case scenario, you can return the items to the store registry so the recipient’s card will be credited. Even if you have used the gift, offer to give it back (the gift giver may take pity on you and tell you to “keep it”) or pay them back for their expenditure. Most people receive a gift from the registry, sent to their home, and start to use the item immediately. Typically, this will not create an issue, but for the unfortunate few who must cancel the wedding, there will be some uncomfortable present juggling involved as the couple must now offer to return the gifts to the original sender.
Q. What is the best way to get the word out that there will be no nuptials?
A. The first thing you want to do is inform your family, the officiant, the wedding planner, and your wedding party. A phone call is the best form of communication for a message this important. You don’t have to go into lengthy detail but give them the courtesy of hearing your voice. This should be done by the bride or groom, depending on the relationship you share with the person you are informing, and they should hear your voice, either in person or on the phone. No texts for this message. A follow up email is acceptable for a business transaction, such as caterer, band or DJ, wedding photographer, bartender, and the wedding venue, but it’s best to call first and send a follow up email after. You can ask for help with vendors but not for important people in your life.
Q. How should I let our guests know we have canceled the wedding, in the most efficient manner possible?
A. Again, asking for help from family members or close friends, having them call each guest is the optimum form of communication. If there is enough time, consider sending out a printed card by mail or post, to let your guests know the wedding has been canceled and gifts will be returned shortly.
Q. What about all of the deposits I left with vendors? Can I ask for my money back?
A. Read the fine print. Each vendor is different and there are many variables to consider. Wedding venues are generally nonrefundable because you have booked out so far in advance and the space was held specifically for your wedding, turning others away for that date. If the venue can rebook the date, they may work with you but you can assume you will lose your deposit.
If you purchased cancellation insurance, you can file a claim and see what they will cover. Your wedding planner can assist in contacting vendors and taking care of cancellation details. Of course, this will be part of their fee you are paying them to do on your behalf.
You can also attempt to negotiate with some vendors who have already spent time and effort on your wedding, i.e. wedding photographer, and may be willing to bill you for the hours they spent and negotiate another alternative for the rest.
Q. Who keeps the ring?
A. It depends. If you are the one who called the wedding off, and have left the groom devastated because you decided to pursue your dream of traveling the world instead, you should give the ring back. If it’s a family heirloom, regardless of who called the wedding off, it goes back to the original owner’s family. Each state has different laws and you should check with an attorney if there is going to be a potential conflict. If the groom called the wedding off, you can feel confident that he will tell you to keep the ring, unless he is still in debt and wants to recoup some of his investment. In this case, you can decide what to do based on the situation.
Q. Can I send an email to my coworkers letting them know my wedding is canceled?
A. It’s understandable you don’t want to retell the uncomfortable experience, over and over again, and letting people know, who you are fond of, but not overly close with, such as office mates, a book club, or girls on your tennis team, is understandable. If you share a close relationship with someone, an email is not appropriate. If not, you can send out an email letting them know you have made the difficult decision to cancel the wedding and would appreciate some privacy at this moment to process the situation.
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