Summer Wedding Etiquette Q&A
This time of year brings a sprinkling of wedding invitations and festivities as the warmer weather arrives. The heavy, beautiful envelopes, sometimes with a pearl finish, are unmistakable, complete with a floral or related stamp and a smaller envelope ready for your RSVP.
While those who receive an invitation will surely be happy for the couple, they may also feel uncertain about attending if there is a possible conflict with the date or destination, not to mention the logistics and associated costs. In today’s post, we’re answering a handful of wedding etiquette questions we recently received. We hope they’ll come in handy as you make plans to celebrate the happy couple.
Q: Dear Diane, I’ve been invited to a friend’s wedding, and although I consider her to be a close friend, I feel stressed and somewhat pressured. I have several personal conflicts, as well as a tight budget. I want to support them, but I truly can’t justify the cost or the time.
Answer: Overextending yourself either personally or professionally will create tension and friction. RSVP promptly. Follow up with a call to let them know you appreciate being included, but will need to politely decline. Let them know you look forward to celebrating with them and are thrilled for their upcoming wedding. A polite and honest response is all that is necessary. It’s also not necessary to give too much information.
Q: My husband and I are invited to a beach wedding. Sounds like fun, but I’m not sure how dressy I’m expected to be – any suggestions?
A: The invitation should be your guide. You can also reach out to your friend (the bride) to ask her for suggestions or expectations. If it’s on the beach, definitely no pointy heels!
Q: I hear through the family grapevine one of my cousins is going to ask me to be a bridesmaid at her destination wedding. I wasn’t planning to attend, even before I heard this news. We are not very close, and I really don’t have the funds to spare. Do I have to do it because we are “family” – but distant cousins?
A: Until you hear from the bride herself, this may or may not be the case, but it’s nice to have the time to plan a possible response. You aren’t obligated to accept her request if you aren’t comfortable with it. Explain in the most gracious way that you’re extremely flattered, but that you can’t give her the support required to be in the wedding.
Q: I have heard that if you go to a destination wedding, your travel costs are the gift. Is this true, or do I still need to get the bride and groom a gift?”
A: Not true, but you can factor the wedding gift into your budget (meaning it may not be as elaborate as it may have been had extensive travel not been involved). Your making the effort to attend will always be most appreciated.
Q: At a destination wedding, is it most polite for the guest to bring the gift with them? There is going to be a mini celebration where the Bride and Groom are inviting everyone to a luncheon, and the card says gifts are “optional”. Does this mean I have to bring another gift, or would this be the wedding gift?
A: Another gift for the luncheon isn’t necessary. Think of the mini celebration as the bride and groom’s gift back to you for coming to the destination. As for the wedding gift, it is most convenient to send it in advance, though not always possible.
Q: We have been invited to a wedding in another state, and the invitation says “Adults Only.” We have two kids under the age of 7. I can’t leave my kids behind! Can I ask the bride if she would make an exception for her ONLY niece and nephew?
A: While I understand your concern, asking for an exception for your children would put the bride and groom in an uncomfortable position. They may feel they must say “yes,” but that may hurt or confuse other invited guests. My best advice is to make room in your budget (and hotel stay) for a trusted family member or babysitter to watch the children while you attend the wedding. If that’s not possible, you’ll have to decide if it’s best to decline the invitation or attend solo while your partner stays with the children.
You may also like Wedding Etiquette: Rules and Traditions.
For more information about working with Diane, America’s “Go To” social and professional etiquette authority, please visit The Protocol School of Texas.
See what Diane is up to by following her on Instagram and Facebook and find etiquette inspiration on her Pinterest account. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, refer to her posts on Inc. and HuffPost.
