Friendship Dilemmas: Q&A
Thank goodness for the gift of friendship, especially those friends who have been by our side through many seasons of change. While friendships can be some of the most rewarding relationships of our lives, there are periods where they can feel just as complicated. We are covering a few friendship dilemmas we have received and how to handle them with courtesy and grace.
Friendship Dilemma: Friendship Reset
Q: A group of “couple” friends has been friends for a very long time. A new couple has been introduced into the group, and now drama has started to brew. They’d rather not include the latecomer friends anymore, but the husband has joined the men for regular golf outings, and it will be obvious when they are left out. How do you handle a friendship reset – it’s just not a good fit.
A: We don’t know why it’s not a “good fit”, but the answer is friends don’t have to invite all friends to all functions. The men can continue to have their golf outings, and rather than having secret outings, continue as you did before, but don’t gossip and don’t be unkind. If it’s a serious offense, you might consider talking to the person honestly and letting them know there is a sensitivity, and allowing the person to correct the issue. If you choose to eliminate them completely, it may sting at first, but people tend to move on rather quickly if there is no fuel (gossip) added to the fire.
Friendship Dilemma: Territorial Bestie
Q: I have a friend who goes around telling everyone she is my bestie, and it often feels territorial to other friends. I do consider her a great friend who is funny and smart, but she is not who I would run to for an emergency or share a confidence with (she can’t keep a secret). How can I tell her to stop calling me her bestie without hurting her feelings?
A: Very few relationships are strengthened by letting them know they are not your “A” team. Not every situation requires justification or an explanation. When someone says, “Oh, I met your best friend the other day”, you can respond with, “How sweet. We’ve been friends for such a long time.” You can also let people know you have a great circle of friends, and they are all like a box of chocolates – a variety of goodness.
Friendship Dilemma: Temperamental and Loud
Q: I have a girlfriend who is amazing. She is fun and funny, and always has a great story to tell. I enjoy being around her until her third glass of wine, and then she becomes a different person. She continues to drink and gets louder and meaner as the evening goes on. Her husband allows it to happen and almost babies her while she is acting out and insulting who she is with – namely me! She’s very temperamental, and I don’t want to tell her because she will get defensive. She doesn’t treat my husband badly, only me. Should we break up?
A: Before ending the friendship, you might want to adjust the scenario and spend time with her in situations where alcohol is not the main focus. Either meet for lunch, go on outings such as hiking or tennis, or leave before her third glass of wine. Alcohol often removes filters, and the fact that she only does this to you is somewhat of a red flag. It doesn’t help that her husband enables the behavior, but I am certain he sees her actions towards you. At this point in the friendship, you can let her know when she is into her third glass of wine, you feel uncomfortable with her criticisms. Her response will tell you what you need to know.
Friendship Dilemma: Budget Constraints
Q: I want to host a girlfriend’s birthday party, but I am on a limited budget. Would it be okay to ask everyone to bring a side dish or contribute in some way financially?
A: Asking friends to contribute money towards an event you are “hosting” can easily make people feel uncomfortable. When you “host” a party, you are extending an invitation to a function. When you ask for money, you are pooling resources rather than hosting. Bringing a favorite dish is more acceptable and less offensive. If your budget does not allow for you to host a larger gathering, consider getting a group of friends together to meet for lunch and dinner, where everyone pays for their own meal, and you cover the cost of the birthday girl’s meal and dessert.
Friendship Dilemma: Social Media Woes
Q: How long should you wait before unfollowing a friend after a fall-out? I have decided to part ways with someone who has had multiple chances to stop sharing my secrets, and I’ve had it. I want to block her from all of my social media, but I don’t want it to be obvious.
A: You can’t have it both ways. You are taking a stand, but you don’t want her to know? You don’t have to block someone – by phone – in order to cut ties. You can unfollow them on social media or even block them, but remember, if you make up, you will have to request them again. Give yourself some time to cool off, and then determine if you want to block them. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back, but do it thoughtfully and respectfully.
You may also like Tips to Keeping a Friendship Strong.
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